Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

I can say that. I have a television show.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.