Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13
They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.