Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.