Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.