Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.