Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.