Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.