Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.