Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.