Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.