Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

I spend most of my free time under the house.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.