Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.