Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!