Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.