Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"