Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"