Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.