Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.