Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.