Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.