Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.