Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 9
Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"