Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 4
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!