Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 4
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.