Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 4
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.