Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 4
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.