Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.