Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

How long have you been a black man?

In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.