Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.