Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 6

Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.