Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 6

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.