Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 6

In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.