Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 6
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.