Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.