Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.