Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.