Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.