Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 8
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.
Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.
We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.