Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 8

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."