Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 8

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.