Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 8

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.