Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 4

Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.

Single guys get a bad rap.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

To be famous and broke is hard.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.