Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 5

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?