Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 6

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

It's hard to have a career.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

It's funny because it's funny.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.