Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 10

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...

Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.