Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 10
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.
Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.
How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.