Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 10
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.
How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...