Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 9
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.
You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.