Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 9
They shouldn't be able to teach religion until you're 18 years old and you know what? It'd be a whole different world because if they weren't pushing that shit into your head while it was still soft you'd never buy it.
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.