Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 9

If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.