Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 9
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.