Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 11
Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.
You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.
They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.
Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"
Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That’s why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s… and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.