Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 11

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.

Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That’s why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s… and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

My audience scares the shit out of me.