Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12

If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

My audience scares the shit out of me.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.