Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."