Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.