Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12

If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

My audience scares the shit out of me.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.