Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.

The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.