Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.