Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.