Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.