Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?