Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13

The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.

My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.

"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.

Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.

I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.