Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."