Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.