Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.