Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14

I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.