Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.