Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.