Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?