Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?