Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.