Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.