Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.