Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.