Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.