Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?