Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.