Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.