Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.