Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.