Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.