Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.