Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.