Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 17
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.