Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 17

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.

"Oh look, she smiled at me!" It's because you shit your pants.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.