Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.