Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.