Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.