Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.