Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.