Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.