Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.