Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”