Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.