Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”