Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.