Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19

Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.

I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.