Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 8

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."

You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

They shouldn't be able to teach religion until you're 18 years old and you know what? It'd be a whole different world because if they weren't pushing that shit into your head while it was still soft you'd never buy it.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

I hate Sarah Palin in the same way I hate a book by its cover. It's her pandering, Fifties sitcom character persona. It is nothing to do with what she's saying because anything those people are saying is trying to dupe the masses on some level. The fact that a personality like that could be taken as anything other than cartoonish is worrying. Like Bozo the Clown, "It's time we should all vote, kids!" and then people saying, 'You know what, that guys really got something.' It's a fucking clown with floppy shoes and you're taking him seriously?

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.