Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 10

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.