Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 9

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.