Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 9

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.