Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 9

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.