Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 9

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.