Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 9

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.