Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 12
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.