Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 12
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.