Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.