Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.