Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.