Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.