Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.