Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.