Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.