Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.