Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 15
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.