Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 15

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'