Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.