Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16
"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.