Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'