Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.