Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 17
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.