Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 18

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

Comedy is rarely funny.