Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 20

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.