Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 4
Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.
I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.