Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 4

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.

Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.