Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 4

Somebody cut my bike seat. Think about that. What level of misery must you have experienced as a kid to see my 10-speed tied to a pole, pull out a blade and be like, 'Look at this rich mother fucker right here.' You know, like I control the banks because I own a Huffy. I'm the bad guy; I'm the guy you want to get back at.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.

Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.