Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 4

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.