Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 6
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.