Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 6
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'