Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 8
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
Ladies, you can do porn, or you can be someone who isn't summarily dismissed as a psychopath, but you can't do both.
Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.
Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.
I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.