Quotes & Jokes by Drew Carey / page 3
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.
Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.