Quotes & Jokes by Drew Carey / page 3

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.

They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.