Quotes & Jokes by Drew Carey / page 3

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.

I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."