Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 4

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.