Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 4

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.