Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 4

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.