Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 5

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Life's but a day at most.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.