Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 5
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.