Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 10
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.