Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 10
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.