Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Life is tough, then you die.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.