Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Life is tough, then you die.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.