Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Life is tough, then you die.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.