Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Life is tough, then you die.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.