Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

Everyone smiles in the same language.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Life is tough, then you die.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Sports fans eat shit.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Life is a zero sum game.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.