Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Life is tough, then you die.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Sports fans eat shit.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

Life is a zero sum game.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.