Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 9
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy." These days, Trajedi.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”