Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 9

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy." These days, Trajedi.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!