Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Life is a zero sum game.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.