Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12
California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.