Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Life is a zero sum game.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?