Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.