Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.