Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.