Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

Life is a near-death experience.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.