Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.