Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.
I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!