Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?