Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

More people write poetry than read it.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.