Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

More people write poetry than read it.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”