Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

More people write poetry than read it.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”