Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Life is a near-death experience.