Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

More people write poetry than read it.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.