Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.