Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.