Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?