Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.