Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.