Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Religion is just mind control.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.