Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.