Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.