Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.