Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.