Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.