Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

Life.....is a series of dogs.