Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.