Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Always do whatever's next.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.