Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Always do whatever's next.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"